Concerns about how metta practice should be expressed externally
"A couple of examples of how this one can show up:
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to express this metta; it feels awkward/fake/scary/etc. to do so”
“but there’s just so much suffering in the world - it’s overwhelming - what can I possibly do in the face of all that suffering? If I commit to a metta practice, does that equate to a commitment to devoting myself entirely to solving every problem in the world?”
This was the first obstacle that I remember having when trying to practise metta meditation; whenever I felt some metta get going, part of my mind would go “oh no, now there’s some pressure to express this outwardly”. That possibility felt so different to my usual mode of relating to others that the metta felt quite disruptive, disorienting, and scary. A lot of my protective mechanisms were based on creating a safe, sterile distance from other people; when this feeling of great warmth and care showed up, it scared me. What if it makes me get closer to people!
It took me a while to realise that metta isn’t about cultivating a tendency to indiscriminately and extrovertedly express love to everybody in my immediate vicinity (fortunately!). Nor is it about selflessly devoting yourself to others with no regard for your own needs and capacities. You won’t lose control or forget about your other priorities when you cultivate metta. Nor will you lose your ability to sensibly regulate your own energy, capacities, and responsibilities.
If you’re noticing anything like this arising for you, this is worth keeping in mind. In fact, how you behave externally may hardly change at all for some time as you progress in metta practice. It’s usually impossible to know in advance how the development of metta will express itself.
Somebody skilled in metta will, for example, generally be more able to stand up for themselves or others with a kind of firmness grounded in that sense of self-acceptance and stable okayness. Metta certainly does not always show up as softness or gentleness.
In Tibetan Buddhism, even the Bodhisattva of compassion has wrathful forms which express this strong, protective facet of compassion:
